Yes I know it's been a VERY long time since I have posted anything. I have a few choices here, I can give you a rundown of all the other great things I have been doing with my time, or I can be honest.
hmmmmm....think think think.
I haven't lied to you yet, so I really don't think I am going to start now.
I have been floundering. Big time. It's been a horrible terrible no good very bad year. This year my family has been attacked with such vigor that most days it's difficult for me to catch my breath. I have had a choice to make this year in the midst of all of the pain, I could cling to God or I could go numb.
I chose to go Numb. It wasn't a sit down and weigh out the pros and cons kinda choice, but a choice with action; actually, inaction might be a better descriptor.
My pain has been deep, all consuming, lonely, persistent, real, and a host of other adjectives. In my pain God was there, but He did not chase me down and swoop in to ease my pain and hold me tight. He did not send armies of angels to surround my family and protect us from all attacks.
But He was there. all along.
I know God's love is never ending. I know nothing comes my way unless He decides it will. I trust Him. Completely. But I am so angry. SO angry.
My anger will not stop Him from loving me, and it will not define my relationship with Him. But honestly, this is where I am right now.
Looking forward to moving past this, hoping to have the strength to do so....tomorrow.
